December 1, 2011

Postpartum Struggle

 I have had a very rocky road with  postpartum after having my second son Boden. I want to share my story with all of you, in the hopes, that someone out there wont feel so alone.  
After I had my little Bo, I started realizing that something wasn't right. I thought "oh, I'm just tired, it'll go away once i get some sleep." "oh its just tough having two babies, it'll go away once I get in a routine." "oh, its just the baby blues, it'll go away in a few weeks on its own." Then one day, {when Bo was 6 1/2 months old} my husband finally broke down, and told me that he was worried about me. At first, my reaction was, deny, deny, deny. But I finally broke down and realized, I needed help. My sister-in-law noticed it, my mother-in-law saw it too, but I was so temperamental everyone was afraid to say something.  I truly don't think I would have ever said anything, if it wasn't for my husband. I was quick to lose my patience with hubby (which is never fair!)  I was always depressed. I had these self-imposed ideas of what a stay at home mom should do, and would become overly critical of  myself when I couldn't live up to my own expectations. (Hubby was nothing but supportive, and never expected anything but for me to care for the kiddos.) I cried, I was always tired, I became a hermit, if you looked at me the wrong way I would lose it. 
So, after trying to talk it out with my family, and openly admitting that I knew I had a bigger issue that I couldn't deal with on my own, I finally took the right step, and called my Dr. It was so terribly embarrassing for me to say the words, "I have  postpartum depression" that I started crying on the phone with the appointment maker. {whom I went to high school with, to make it even more embarrassing.} When I went in for my appointment, all my Dr. did was ask how I was, and I started bawling. I didn't have thoughts of hurting my children, but I felt like the biggest failure. He hugged me, and said that I wasn't a bad mom. {which doesn't make a bit of difference when you fail to live up to your own standards.} I was opposed to taking any medication, because I was nursing. But at this point I didn't know what else to do. Then my Dr. said something that really hit home. He said that if I wasn't taking the best care of myself, I would never be able to give 100% to my babies, and they deserve it. So,  he gave me a super low dose, and assured me that it wouldn't hurt my baby. That made me feel like an even bigger failure. 
My husband has been the hugest help and support. Once I was finally able to admit what was wrong, my life took a complete 180. My relationship with my husband, is better than it had ever been. My attitude towards being a stay at home mom has changed. {although I still have days where I feel like I need to be super mom, and have a spotless house, crafts done, dinner made, desert baking and be 115 lbs.} My babies have a happier, healthier mama, and that right there is the most important thing in the world.
I thank God everyday that my husband finally said something to me. It changed my life. I always thought, it wouldn't happen to me, and I felt so bad for the moms that had to go through postpartum depression.  IT is true that you never fully understand something until it happens to you.

The one thing I learned, is to ask for help. If you ever feel like you cant do it, or you become so overwhelmed your life becomes unlivable, ask for help. {from your significant other, from God, from your Dr., from a stranger in a chat room.} Having support is the key to getting through all of this. For me it was a very lonely and embarrassing thing to go though as a mother, but I feel like a stronger person for it. I think the most important thing is to not feel ashamed, and to ask for help as soon as you feel like its all too much, I waited way too long, and only hurt myself. 
(Boden and Braxton, my angels)
Thank you for letting me share my story with you all today. :) 


Katie {Party of Four} said...

Hey girl! Im a new follower of your cute little blog!

MamaP said...

Thank you for posting this! I too am struggling with postpartum and recently "came out" through my blog. It is such a huge help and support to read your story and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel :) Would you mind if I link this post to my blog?

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